WHY THE LAWS OF KIBUD AV V'EM ARE TOXIC

TW: Sexual Abuse, Attempted Suicide

Part I: My background:

I do not like talking about my childhood. I find that when people learn how I was raised, they simply assume that I went OTD to run away from a traumatic past. But the fact is that my father was a bad parent. If people needed to receive a “child-bearing license” before being allowed to procreate, there is little chance that I would exist. At Harvard, my father found hallucinogenic mushrooms and LSD and began his lifelong quest of chasing imaginary spiritual powers. At Harvard, my father failed to finish his degree by one paper and, at 28-years-old, married my mother, his 18-year-old student.

For 27 years, my father subjected my mother to constant emotional and physical abuse. He felt that no one understood the real power of his spiritual insights. He often spent hours telling us about his dreams, and all the deep and fantastic significance in each detail. He was a frustrated and lonely man, and his anger was primarily directed at my mother. He would go on multi-hour rants about her spiritual failings, demanding that she admit her errors and come groveling for forgiveness. My mother, already a survivor of an abusive home, was no match for my father's domineering and insane personality. I remember at least two times when my father broke our dining room table in rage. My parents would always fight, but for some reason, Sunday was the worst. My parents would throw china at each other, and their shouts and screams would reverberate around the house.

Frequently my father would retreat into his room for days, refusing to come out because of some sin my mother had committed. My mother would eventually plead and cry until he, in his infinite grace, would welcome her under the wings of his glory. My father's erratic personality and inability to perform led to him being fired or stagnating at various jobs. We rarely had spare money, and we never went on any family vacations, ever. For the first eleven years of my life, I lived in a cockroach-infested single bedroom apartment in a violent neighborhood in Crown Heights. Cockroaches were everywhere, large multilegged creatures with long drooping antenna. They crawled next to me when I fell asleep, and thousands of them lived in our pantry. My mother later told me that she routinely found bits of cockroach corpses inside my diaper. But this was all my parents could afford. My father blamed my mother for the lack of money, and they always fought about finances. Sometimes he would direct his rage at us, but my mother usually would throw herself in between him and my siblings, demanding that he leave us alone. My mother and older brother took the brunt of my father's anger, but I certainly remember my face bleeding after my father hit me for make a mess in the living room. I was also told that my father occasionally belted my brother and me when we were toddlers. My parents never hugged me, and the first time I was ever embraced was by my wife on our wedding night. My wife was also the first person who ever said the words “I love you” to me.

My mother tried her best to shield us from our father, but she paid a high price. I remember once waking up in the middle of the night to bloodcurdling screams. I ran into my parent's room. My mother was lying on the floor, her face badly bruised, while my father stood over her screaming, “you bitch!” My older brother tried to grab my father to push him away; my father reacted by biting deeply into my brother's neck. My mother got up, and in a daze, ran to the bathroom window, getting ready to throw herself out.

My father was also inadvertently sexually inappropriate with me. After the night he kicked my mother, my father locked himself in his room, and no one wanted to speak to him. My mother was being completely mute, and a heavy air filled the house. As was often my role, I was forced to adopt the mediator position, and I knocked on my father's door, hoping to create some reconciliation. My father started crying, explaining that he hit my mother because he could not get an erection and satisfy her. Another time, after my parents got divorced, I mentioned to my father that I was working on a kuntrus on shimiras habris. My father began describing in detail how he masturbated in the shower. Besides the primal yuck factor, these episodes scarred me—I was an innocent yeshiva guy and was not prepared for these sorts of conversations.

Perhaps my childhood's most significant trauma was going to yeshiva, not knowing if my mother would be alive when I came home. She tried her best to be a good parent, but she had no resources, no support system, and a horrifically abusive husband. I remember once coming home for an off Shabbos to find the house empty. My heart immediately leaped to my chest. Was this the end. Eventually, I found my mother and father standing by our kiddie pool. My mother was sticking her head in the water, trying to drown herself, while my father stood on the side, shouting what a lazy incompetent she was. I remember hating my father. He had torn our family entirely asunder. At one point, I spent six months unable to talk to him or look him in the eye. Yet, for all my anger, I never once raised my voice to him, insulted him, or disparaged him. I had spent many months in yeshiva learning the Halachos of Kibud Av V'Em, and my fealty to the Torah system guided my actions.

Eventually, my parents divorced. For all my trauma, I spent most of my days in yeshiva and was mostly spared our house's real horror during the divorce. The same could not be said for my younger siblings, whose suffering during that time I could only imagine. My siblings and I limped out into the universe, trying to find a place in life where we could recover and carve a place for ourselves. After about a year or two, both my parents remarried. My father got old, mellowed out, and became a passably pleasant person to interact with. I slowly tried to connect with him on his level, indulging his strange, drug-induced vision of life and reality.

Slowly, I learned to forgive my father. He was a nebbuch case and a product of abuse from his parents; he had no more control over his actions than a raging bull being taunted by his handler. I started calling my father, listening to him, and giving him the gift of being understood. Last year he died of prostate cancer.

My father certainly had some good qualities; he loved us, and in his own way, tried his best to give us the tools to succeed.

The issue:

The question I want to discuss is whether my father deserved my honor, respect, and reverence. Looking at his legacy, my father died penniless and in debt. He tore our family apart, brutalizing his eight children and his ex-wife. He was a petulant, immature man-child, ever assuming that he was correct and that others were at fault for his failures. He died unrepentant for the harm he inflicted on my mother and convinced that he alone possessed the true secrets to spiritual enlightenment.

My childhood was certainly traumatic and difficult, yet many people have far more abusive and broken parents than me. In a recent discussion on the Respectfully Debating Judaism Facebook group, I understood a frum poster to be arguing that the Torah's directive on parent-child relationships is vastly superior to how secular American people treat their parents. Indeed, for people who originate from cultures where respect for parents is assumed, it can be quite a shock to see how Americans talk to their parents. This dichotomy has certainly provided quite a bit of fodder for comedians. (If you are in the mood for a laugh, check out these cuss filled, DEEPLY INAPPROPRIATE clips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFv0vHRdE3w, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOHv0MXVcW8, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHt9_gSLO64)

While humorous, these clips can be quite shocking, but there is more to this story than meets the eye. The first issue I want to discuss is the Torah’s vision of parental relationships viewed through the lens of Hilchos Kibud Av V'Em, and how they approach dealing with dysfunctional relationships. Next, I will argue that the laws of Kibud Av V'Em are, in fact, quite harmful and leave children ill-equipped to deal with the real challenges that are present in parent-child relationships, especially dysfunctional relationships. Lastly, I will provide my version of how I believe a society should approach dealing with parent-child relationships.

Part II: The Torah Perspective on treating parents:

The laws of Kibud Av V'Em are a complex tapestry interweaving several positive and negative commandments, each with their own grounding rules, principles, and exceptions, and it can take several months of work to untangle the whole puzzle. For this article, I have limited myself to two widely accepted contemporary halachic works on the subject. The first is The Fifth Commandment by Rabbi Moshe Leiber, and the second is Vayevarech Dovid by Rabbi Yisroel Dovid Harfenes. (Translation is my own). The primary bullet points are direct quotes from The Fifth Commandment. The Subpoints are translated responsa from Vayevarech Dovid, where he elaborated on a related topic. (If anyone wants to see the larger context of any of these quotes, feel free to reach out to me, and I will happily provide it.)

While you are reading these laws, I want you to keep asking yourself one simple Question: Does this law promote a normal and healthy parent-child relationship or not.

Contradicting parents:

• A child is forbidden to contradict a parent's statement. Even expressing to others (in the absence of the parent) a view opposing that of the parent is forbidden if the listeners are aware of the parents contrasting view. This applies even to matters about which the child is convinced that his own view is correct. (p. 95)

• If a parent confronts a child and accuses the child of having done something that the child did not really do (e.g., “Why did you speak disrespectfully to the principal?”), the child may not respond by saying, “I did not do that,” since that entails contradicting the parent. Instead, the child may ask for permission to explain what happened (“May I explain?”). If the parent consents, the child may then explain himself and the state of what really happened. If the parent does not grant this permission, the child might seek to have someone else arbitrate between himself and the parent. (p. 106)

Listening to parents demands:

• If a parent asks a child to do something, even if it is not included among the items deemed honor to the parents […], nor is it something that provides direct physical enjoyment to the parent, the child must nonetheless do what the parent asks. According to some poskim even, this is included in the obligation not to contradict one’s parents. (p. 97)

• When one is living in their parent's house, they must listen to all their rules, irrespective of if the command benefits the parent or not. Vayevarech Dovid, (pp. 98)

• A child must physically honor his parents (i.e., feed or dress them) even if, by doing so, he will miss work and thus be forced to collect [charity] for his own future needs. This only applies if the child already has food for that day. Otherwise, the child is not obligated to neglect his work (and thus have to collect for his present needs) to physically honor his parents. (p. 78)

• Question: A father wants his married son to daven with him in his shul, and the son wants to daven with his friends in his own shul. Can the father force his son to daven with him?

• Answer: Yes, the child must daven with his father in his shul. This is especially true if the father is elderly and wants the child to assist him. (the only exception would be if the father is not elderly or sick, and the child’s shul davens with more intensity and enthusiasm) (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 447)

• Question: if a father is sick and wakes up late and wants his working son to accompany him to shul and such a request would be difficult for the son (because it would make him late for work and ruin his schedule) must the son accompany this father?

• Answer: Yes, the son is still obligated to accompany his father. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 190)

• [On a similar topic] Once one’s parents become old and unable to care for themselves, a son is obligated to visit his parents every day to take care of their needs (this includes feeding them, hydrating them, buying them the things they need, doing their laundry, and paying their bills, and carrying their packages when they are traveling). This obligation exists even if it will cause the son to be unavailable to help his wife at home (for example, to help with bedtime) because, according to the law, she is unable to prevent him from honoring his parents.

• However, suppose a married daughter's parents become elderly. In that case, the daughter is forbidden from taking care of them if it will affect her ability to properly care for her husband's needs (for example, if she cannot prepare him his meals or clean the house for him or do his laundry). She is certainly forbidden from taking care of her parents at the time when her husband comes home for supper and wants his wife to conduct the meal for him. This is true because a wife is meshubad to her husband for all his needs. However, a married woman would be obligated to take care of her parents during the day if the husband is not home, and such help would not interfere with serving her husband. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 84)

• Even parents who make excessive demands on their children must be honored. Parents may be contentious and bothersome, particularly as they age. Sometimes they fight with their children, curse them, or are generally difficult to deal with. In spite of their behavior, parents must be honored, even if the public opinion considers the children as entitled to ignore the honor of parents on account of their uncivil and irksome behavior. (p. 113)

• Question: if one sees on the caller ID that one's parents are calling, but at the moment one is not available to speak to them, can the child ignore the phone call?

• Answer: It is inappropriate not to answer the call. Furthermore, it is forbidden to ignore the call if one’s parents are aware that you can see the Caller ID and know that they are calling….This law only applies for a man; however, if a woman sees that her parents are calling, how she conducts herself will depend on her husband's will. If her husband does not want her to speak to her parents at the moment, she is forbidden from answering the phone. (This is true because a wife must be free and available to take care of her husband's needs.) (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 227)

The obligation to live near one’s parents:

• Question: Parents, after their children get married off, move to a retirement community designed for older adults in another city. The parents then demand that their children relocate to their new city to be available to serve them. Are the children obligated to move to be available to serve their parents?

• Answer: Yes, the children must move. We find that Yaakov Avinu was punished because he did not uproot his home and return to his parent's house. Although many pasken that one is not obligated to travel to another city to fulfill a positive commandant….this case is different because a failure to relocate will result in a permanent inability to fulfill the positive commandment of Kibud Av V'Em. (One would be exempt, however, if one's wife resists and such a move would destroy the harmony in the home.) (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 199)

• Question: if one marries a woman from another city and one's parents want you to live locally (in order to be available to serve them) and one's wife wishes to live near her parents, and they are approaching Daas Torah to know the correct path, what advice should they be given?

• Answer: they should be advised that unless the initial marriage was predicated on the son living in the wife’s town, that they must live in the husband's hometown. This is true even if they already moved to the town of the wife’s parents. In such a case, the couple should uproot their house and relocate to be close to the husband's parents. (the husband's parents, however, are obligated to pay for the moving expenses.) (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 196)

• [On a similar topic:] A child is obligated to live near their parents. The Sefer Missah Rav brings down from the Chazon Ish that he would advise bochurim to learn in yeshivas near their home so that they could be available to help in the house….I do not understand why it became customary for young couples to live near the wife’s parents and not the son’s parents…. Although one is obligated to live near their parents, one is exempt if the rent is prohibitively high—as one is not obligated to lose money to fulfill Kibud Av V'Em. However, there is uncertainty if a child is exempt from living near their parents if a different location offers the ability to make more money than their parent's location. However, because it is a matter of doubt, one must forgo the extra money and live near their parents. Per the Shulchan Aruch, this is true even if [one will end up destitute] and must collect charity from door to door to make a living. This is true because lost income does not count as a loss to exempt one from the commandment of Kibud Av V’Em. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 89)

• Question: parents who are constantly calling their married daughter to schmooze for a long time every day, and these phone calls are causing the daughter to have difficulty completing her household chores and watching her children, is she permitted to cut the conversation short and tell her parents that she is busy?

• Answer: If one's parents have an [emotional] need to speak to their children, they are obligated to speak to their parents for as much as is necessary. However, if the parents do not need to speak to the children, it is not obligatory. Additionally, if the long conversations affect the (grand)children's chinuch, then one can end the conversation, as long as they do so in a respectful manner. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 189)

• [earlier on this topic] If one's parents are old and would be by themselves at home, it is a mitzvah to speak with your parents as much as possible…. it is said over that when the Chazon Ish’s mother was old; he spent a half an hour or longer speaking with her every day.

• It is also brought down in the Sefer Darchi HaYosher that the wife of Rav Hershel Mi’Liska once asked her husband why he spoke so few words with her, yet when talking to his mother, he spoke at great length with her. Rav Hershel answered that “when I speak to my mother, every single word that I lengthen to speak with her is a fulfillment of a biblical mitzvah. However, with you, every extra word that I speak with you is a sin, as Chazal teach ‘one should not speak excessively with one's wife,’ therefore I speak with you very shortly. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 198)

Avoiding doing anything that will embarrass parents:

• If one’s parents are embarrassed by any action of the child, the child must stop that action, even if it has no bearing on the wellbeing of the parent. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 98)

• A child who embarrasses or degrades a parent, whether through action, words, or even through mere hint or innuendo, violates the Biblical warning (Deuteronomy 27:16), “Cursed is one who demeans his father or mother.” According to the Sefer HaCharadim, the Biblical prohibition includes even one who scorns a parent in his heart. (p. 144)

• I have found in the responsa Mashiv Davar by the Goan the Netziv Z”TL, that he concludes that although we pasken that if a father commands his child not to marry a particular woman, that the child does not need to listen to the father, nevertheless, if the marriage will cause embarrassment to the father (for example, if the woman comes from a defective family), then it is forbidden to marry the woman.…

• The apparent explanation for this matter is that a child is forbidden from marrying a woman who will embarrass his father to fulfill the commandment to be fruitful and multiply. The reason for this is that the commandment to honor one's father and not cause him embarrassment is greater than the mitzvah to be fruitful and multiply; therefore, even if the son desires to marry a specific woman, the father's refusal does not amount to asking his child to violate a Torah prohibition. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 398)

• To what extent must one go in exhibiting his reverence for parents? Even if one’s parents tear his clothes, hit him on the head, and spit in his face while he is dressed in his finest clothing and seated at the head of a communal gathering, he may not humiliate them. Rather, he should remain silent our of reverence for God, the King of all kings, Who commanded that we revere our parents. (p. 104)

• Although one may not verbally humiliate or berate his parents, he may have them summoned to a Bais Din in order to recover any losses they may have caused him. One should nonetheless refrain from summoning his mother. According to Sefer Chassidim, one should follow a stringent course and refrain from summoning his parents to court even when he is sure that he has a sound case against them. (p. 105)

• A child cannot hire a toen (Jewish lawyer) to help represent him against his parents. This is true because it is common for a toen to raise many issues and confuse the other side leading to potential embarrassment. Therefore, since the Maharam Mintz writes that even though one is allowed to take their parents to a Din Torah, they are forbidden to embarrass them, even a hairsbreadth. As such, it is forbidden to hire a toen. However, if the child cannot represent themselves, they are allowed to engage a god-fearing talmid chacham to represent them.

Causing parents to feel negative feelings:

• A child may not interrupt his parents nor rush to speak before them (p. 70)

• Generally, one should try and refrain from asking parents to do things on one’s behalf. (p. 71)

Working for parents:

• Question: does one have to listen to his mother if she asks him to help her get the house ready for Shabbos?

• Answer: If it is difficult for his or her mother to get the house ready (because she is weak), then the children are obligated to help… this is learned from the Pishcai Hlachos that writes that a child must serve their parents like a slave serves their master. However, if the mother is physically fit and healthy, and she is simply lazy and wants her children to do the chores of the house, in such a case, the children do not need to listen to their mother. This is true because it is normal for a mother to maintain the house's upkeep, and it is inappropriate for her to make her children do her job. This is based on the Shulchan Aruch that writes that a wife is obligated to maintain the house's chores, and the Shulchan Aruch does not mention that a wife can ask her children to step into her place and do the chores…. (Vayevarech Dovid pp. 184)

When parents fight with one’s wife:

• According to halacha, if one's parents get into a fight with one's wife, it is forbidden to side with one's wife against the parents. If they are arguing, one should scream at one's wife (to calm his parents. However later in private, he should appease his wife.) However, because these are delicate situations that can escalate into great marital fights, one should seek expert advice on how to act. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 130)

• In general, when one's wife fights with one's parents, one should talk to one's wife’s heart and explain that it is a biblical obligation for a son to, first and foremost, honor his parents and that he has no choice but to side with them. One should attempt to appease her as much as possible….The Sefer Chassidim writes that one does not have to listen to one's parents if they demand to divorce one's wife. However, it is implied that if the wife angers the parents, then it is an obligation to divorce the wife. However, this is not the practical law nowadays….nevertheless, according to the words of the Sedi Chemed brought in the Sefer Divri Mordechai, if one's parents object to their son marrying a particular woman who fights with them, the son is obligated to respect their wishes. Only once the son is already married can he disregard their demand for him to seek a divorce. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 131) (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 121)

Honoring neglectful or abusive parents:

• Children must honor and revere parents even if the parents, for whatever reasons, did not tend to their needs as they were growing up. Even if children grew up in an orphanage, in foster care, or were adopted, they must fulfill all their obligations towards their parents….even parents who acted abusively towards children must be honored. (p. 113)

• Question: If one's parents are divorced or separated, and one's father commonly hit the child with cruelty (because the child was defending the mother when the father fought with her), and because [of the abuse] there is a hatred [between the father and the child], and the child has no relationship with his father, if (after the father remarries) is the child obligated to honor his father with all the duties of honor?

• Answer: Despite [the abuse], Yes. Based on everything discussed in the previous sections, even if the son acted appropriately, and indeed, his father acted with cruelty against him (because he was defending his mother) and his father should bear the burden of asking forgiveness and appeasing him. Nevertheless, the son is fully obligated in all the biblical obligations of honor. The son must act with all the laws of honor towards his father (even before his father attempts to reconcile). The only exception will be if the father is still hurting him (or his mother), in which case he may have the status of a Rasha, and the son would be exempt from honoring him. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 350)

• Question: One’s parents divorced, and the child grew up in the house of his mother, during which time the father had no connection to the child. The father also did not pay for food, support, or had any involvement in the child's life or education. Is the child obligated to honor his father?

• Answer: yes, the child has a full biblical commandment to honor his father. (pp. 349)

• Question: [In the above situation,] if the father wishes to connect with the child, is the child obligated to connect with his father?

• Answer: Once the child turns 13, he is obligated to connect with his father….Although it may be difficult for a child to connect lovingly with someone who had no connection with him for his entire life (and who divorced his mother who he loves and has compassion for—and has taken care of him his whole life) this reality does not exempt him from his biblical obligation to honor his father…. The only exception would be if an established doctor would establish that contact would harm the child's constitution—in such a case, it is conceivable that the child will be exempt. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 348)

Honoring parents who are wicked or non-believers:

• Question: if one becomes a Baal Teshuva, and one's parents remain non-believers (reshayim), is the child obligated to honor his parents?

• Answer: No. [In such a situation] the child should not honor his parents. However, he should also not deliberately embarrass them…. Although the sefer Maschil Lidavid writes that while in the presence of one’s parents, one should honor them even if they are wicked; nevertheless, the intimation from all the other poskim is that one should not honor a wicked parent even in his presence.

• It is worth noting that the Shulchan Aruch is explicit that when a non-believing person, the relatives should not mourn, nor should they rip their clothes; rather, the bothers and all the relatives should dress in festive white clothes and eat and drink and be happy. The Shach explains that their relatives should express happiness that Hashem's enemies have been destroyed, as the verse states, “with the destruction of the wicked comes rejoicing.” (The Levush adds that non-believers are included in the category of those who “hate Hashem” and the verse states, “I hate those who hate Hashem.”)

• What comes out from this discussion is that it is forbidden (and not merely exempted) for a person to mourn over a non-believer. This law presumably includes non-believing parents who die…. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 346)

• Question: If one’s elderly father’s home contains magazines, television, or internet that display unclean pictures, can one refrain from allowing their children to visit their grandfather?

• Answer: Of course, in such a case, one is obligated to keep his children away from such a situation. If inappropriate pictures are being publicly displayed, one is forbidden to enter even to visit one's elderly parents. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 290)

• Question: Must one listen to their parents if they want them to attend night college to obtain an easy and clean parnassah in the future?

• Answer: One should not listen to one's parents in such a case. This is true because nowadays, collages are filled with temptations. It is almost impossible not to sin with regards to lust, either with improper gazing, or unclean thoughts, or words or actions, heaven forbid. Furthermore, [one can rely on] the many poskim that believe that Kibud Av V'Em does not apply in matters that do not directly affect the father. The Sefer Chinuch Yisroel already writes that it is an ablute issur for a father to allow his son to attend college. Not only do the classes teach forbidden subjects (aside from the general issuer to learn non-Torah subjects) in college, one becomes friends with disgusting and low people. Sin awaits at the gates to strike…this is the opinion of the great leaders of our time as seen in the responsa Chelkas Yackov…and the responsa Minchas Yitzchak…and the Responsa Bair Moshe…and the responsa Mishna Halachos…. (Vayevarech Dovid, pp. 275-76)

A note about hitting:

The most striking power disparity that the Torah establishes between parents and children is the power to exert physical damage on one another. A child who hits his or her parent and draws blood is put to death by choking. Conversely, while Chazal put important limitations on when parents can strike their adult child, hitting children has historically been encouraged. It is a recent phenomenon that Jewish parents and educators were taught to avoid hitting children. In his will, the Gra instructed his children not to “hold back from hitting [their children] when they curse, swear, or lie.” Mishlai (13:24) urges parents, “He who spares the rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him early.” and the Gemara in Makos exonerates a father who accidentally kills his child while beating him.

Modern people may scoff at these ideas, claiming that I am making a strawman out of these halachos. For the past 20 years, Ami and Mishpacha magazine have been pushing an enlightened moderate agenda, and they mostly won. Most parents, and all teachers, are advised to refrain from hitting children. But people who are knowledgeable in halacha are still conflicted on this matter. I once attended a shiur given by Rav Dov Khan, a leading expert in the laws of Kibud Av V'Em. He related his conflict over the Shulchan Aruch’s directive to hit his children. He understood that parents had an obligation to hit their children at least once. This did not present an issue for him, except when it came to raising one of his children. This child was a model son and never did anything out of line. Rav Khan was worried that his child would never present him with an opportunity to fulfill the directive of Mishlei that one should hit their child. Finally, Rav Khan related, his son once made a mildly disrespectful comment, and he could call him over and slap him. Rav Khan is a gentle-hearted man and is dearly loved by his congregation; however, he understood these halachos for what they were, an exhortation to strike one's children.)

Part III: Do parents deserve our gratitude and respect?

The question at the crux of the matter is, do parents deserver our de facto respect and honor?

According to the Sefer Hachinuch, we are commanded to honor our parents because of a sense of gratitude for them giving us life. This sense of gratitude requires that we treat our parents with the highest regard and help fulfill their wishes. The poskim explain that this obligation is compounded when our parents expend effort and time to raise us. Our parents changed thousands of diapers, fed us tens of thousands of meals, paid for our clothing and needs growing up, and got us to where we are in life.

While these ideas might sound sensible, they are quite irrational for several reasons.

Claim 1: Your parents gave you life, so you owe them gratitude:

Well, they did not really provide me with life. It is not exactly like we all start out existence in a pound somewhere, waiting for friendly people to come along and take us home. We just didn’t exist. And while it can certainly be argued that existing is a favorable state of being than not existing, it is not quite right to give the parent credit for that. While our parent's act of intercourse is the most proximate cause of our brain forming and housing our consciousness, it is only one of a vast series of necessary causes needed for us to exist. Do we owe gratitude towards every actor in the series of causes that led to our existence, starting with the meteorite that destroyed the dinosaurs, thereby allowing mammalian life to propagate on our planet? Lots of things had to happen for any one of us to exist. Even proximate cause begins to break down when examined. Do children brought into existence through in vitro fertilization owe a chiuv of Kibud Av V'Em to the lab technician and scientists that made their existence possible?

Furthermore, according to this logic, even if you raise children with the express intention of murdering them when they turn seven years old and harvesting their organs for money, the children would still owe you undying gratitude. After all, they would not have the treasure of existing if not for your greed.

When parents decide to have children, they are not acting in the interest of the child. Instead, they are fulfilling their own biological impulse to procreate. They likely want to leave a legacy or have a desire to build a family. While it is true that it is courteous to express gratitude towards those who benefit us, despite their own ulterior motivations (e.g., the waiter who serves our meal or the taxi driver who takes us to our destination), there is a vital distinction. The reason we do that is that we are expressing that we value their dignity. We are telling the person that, although they are simply performing their job, we acknowledge their responsibilities and capabilities. This dynamic does not exist with parents and children.

Claim 2: Your parents raised you, fed you, and did innumerable acts of service for you as you were growing up. Doesn’t the commission of those acts generate a moral need to reciprocate with gratitude?

Not really. Michael Hauskeller, a Professor of Philosophy at the University of Exeter, compares this concept to a person who has been abducted. “Suppose someone abducted you while you were asleep or otherwise unconscious and put you in a situation where you cannot survive on your own but are completely dependent for your survival on your abductors. Suppose further that they would then aid you and make sure that you do survive (instead of abandoning you and let you fend for yourself with little chance of survival), would you owe gratitude to your abductors because they could have left you, but didn't? Is there a relevant difference between that case and the case of a child being brought into the world without having asked for it, and thus into a situation where they cannot survive without the help of others?” (https://www.researchgate.net/post/Do_Children_Owe_Gratitude_to_their_Parents)

While the stark reality is that it is impossible to exist without first spending your formative years at the mercy who whoever conceived you, this thought is terrifying. I did not choose to be born to a father with severe emotional and mental issues. When we were children, we were born helpless, and to develop correctly, we needed a massive investment of time and energy from our parents. We needed to be fed, clothed, changed, encouraged, given structure, educated, loved, and disciplined. I have three young children (aged two years old, four years old, and five years old), and raising children is exhausting—but no one is giving out medals for effort. If you changed a thousand diapers but failed to ever validate your child, causing them to have lifelong insecurities—you are a lousy parent, deserving of condemnation, not gratitude. If you “tried your best,” but your “best” amounted to being a passive-aggressive, judgmental control freak, then, news flash, you are a terrible parent and do not deserve your child's respect or gratitude for the parts that you did do. Children have no choice in picking their parents—and you took the souls that were at your mercy and, intentionally or unintentionally, hurt them.

The bottom line is this: Parents deserve gratitude from their children in direct proportion to how well they raised them. Parents deserve praise for going above and beyond the bare minimum, investing time and effort in maximizing their children's happiness and ability to succeed in the world. When you take the time to understand your children, focus on their needs, and figure out how to get them met, you are a loyal parent, and it makes sense for the child to reciprocate with gratitude and appreciation. The idea that “I bought you life, and therefore you owe me,” or “I fed and raised you; therefore you must respect me,” is just perverse and not how the world works in any other context.

Consider the remarks of Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW, the author of Bad Therapy, Good Therapy:

“‘But I sacrifice for my children!’ Sorry, but I don’t buy it. Sacrifice is defined as giving up a greater good for a lesser good. If your mother says that she sacrificed for you, then she’s implying that she had better things to do than to raise you. If that’s true, then she made a self-defeating choice. Similarly, if your father took care of you economically, but ignored (or even harmed) you emotionally, he has no right to escape your unfavorable view by hiding behind the cloak of ‘fatherhood.’ You might credit him for honoring his financial responsibility (since some fathers don’t even go that far), but at the same time, you don’t have to pretend that he did any more than that. The ‘sacrifice’ card doesn’t work here, either. If taking care of you was a sacrifice, then that’s sad for him, but he made the choice to be a parent.

It is not my intention to encourage an attitude of resentment. On the contrary: A lot of parents deserve gratitude for a job well done. Some get this appreciation, and some don’t. There are plenty of parents out there who deserve better from their kids. I’ve written in the past about the false entitlement mentality of some young people. But parents should be held responsible for their actions no less than children.” (https://drhurd.com/2013/06/26/should-kids-be-grateful-to-their-parents-de-coast-press/)

When considered in its totality, the idea that we owe our parents gratitude because they brought us into the world and kept us alive for our formative years is false. Good parents deserve our graduate. Bad parents do not.

Do parents deserve our obedience?

The laws of Kibud Av V'Em M go far beyond demanding gratitude; they create a profoundly stilted and authoritarian dynamic between the parents and their children. Children can never contradict their parents. Ever. Nor can they say anything that causes them pain. Within specific limited parameters, parents are given enormous control over their children's existence. This control does not lessen as the child gets older; it grows as the children mature and become more aware of the Torah's many demands leveled at children.

How do these laws create or promote a healthy relationship? I fully understand that, as part of growing up, children need structure. Children who are never disciplined and are allowed to do whatever they wanted to do end up deeply hurt and unprepared for life. Children must listen to their parents at a young age, and parents must provide structure by wielding authority. In this context, I understand why someone can claim that the laws of Kibud Av V'Em create an atmosphere of control and order. However, this argument is flawed. Well adjusted and normal parents do not need a Divine mandate giving them authority to rule their house. Normal parents run their home by creating understandable and reasonable rules and enforcing them with measured, clear, and consistent consequences. That’s all it takes. The laws of Kibud Av V'Em are both unnecessary and counterproductive. Worse, the laws of Kibud Av V'Em create a perfect atmosphere for abuse.

Simply because parents need to create order for their children does not mean that they have magically earned the right to lord over their children. To develop properly, children also need to be given their autonomy back. As the child gets older, parents have no right to continue wielding authority over their children. Parents who refuse to relinquish their authority, forcing their decisions on to their married or dating children are tyrants, plain and simple. The Torah becomes a vehicle of abuse when it forces children to pick up the phone whenever their parents call or visit their parents whenever they want company.

Do parents deserve our respect?

The laws of Kibud Av V'Em try to bend our will into respecting our parents. We are not allowed to address them by their name, sit in their chair, nor get them upset for any reason. But the reality is that respect is something that must be earned. In what logical universe does it make sense that someone deserves a lifetime of respect and reverence for effectively deploying their reproductive organs. There are many people who have made consistently bad choices with their lives and hurt everyone around them; why do the poor souls that end up being spawned by these people owe them respect or reverence? It just doesn’t make sense, and creating a rigid system of Kibud Av V'Em is a perfect way to propagate misery and abuse.

What is a better system?

If I was God, what system would I make for children to relate to their parents? Simple—no system. Let the world run precisely how it is going. Relationships are endlessly varied, and the laws of Kibud Av V'Em are rife or misuse and do not work to address the innumerable problems and challenges that present themselves in parent-child relationships. Parents should know that although they must, at times, be strict; their children are fully entitled to their own lives. They must earn their children's respect like every other person in the world. The fact that they changed a thousand diapers does not erase their lousy parenting decisions. Children have every right to cut off contact with a toxic parent. Parents deserve gratitude and respect when they go above and beyond, overcoming their temperament to give their child what they need to succeed properly.

Conclusion:

For all his failures, I loved my father. He was a broken man, incapable of feeling the pain he caused to those around him. I learned to forgive him, and I consider myself a better person (and parent) because of my experiences. I do not use my childhood as an excuse to avoid the consequences of my own bad decisions, but I do not believe that I owed my father gratitude for the effort he put into raising me. He was a sad, unfulfilled person with delusions of grandeur, and like many other toxic parents, he singlehandedly destroyed our entire family. I never confronted him, as he was utterly incapable of seeing himself in the wrong. Instead, I tried to be compassionate and did my best to relate to him on his level. He deserves my empathy and kindness, but not my respect or gratitude.