The Drinking - Who the hell thought it was a good idea to command an entire nation to get hammered. What you get is an endless gaggle of bocherum crying over his rebbe ("I just wanna learn rebbe!") to the overly touchy-feely drunkards trying to hug you, to the oases of puke littering the front steps of people's houses.
The Costumes - Really, do you think you are special because you put on a silly hat. Everyone clap for Mr. Original. I am also looking at you spray painted shtreimel man and Na Nach yarmulka bocher. Just a bonanza of unoriginality. Don't even get me started on matching family costumes. The forced cheer. The sweaty armpits ensconced in garish polyester. The endless fiddling to keep the ill-fitted costume in place. The unrepentant awkwardness of it all. Someone kill me.
The Megillah Reading - Yay! Let's all be excited to sit for an hour listening to a story we have heard one billion times. Bonus points for the night reading, where we first starve you for the entire day to get you into the Purim spirts. So grab a Chumash, give an acknowledging smile to the adult man-child who decided to bring a trumpet (for the third year in a row), eye you seatmates sliver megillah holder, and try to gauge how much "support" they get every month from their in-laws, and sit back and get comfortable while you wait for time to dilate as the Chazan starts reading. Trust me, perek tes might look like it is only a page an a half away, but you will have time for two full-blown midlife crises before they get to the ten names of Haman's kids.
The Collectors - I hate the whole dynamic. Every last bit of it. From the endless horde of children collecting for their yeshivas to the "pavvers" sitting in their big houses doling out checks to whoever gives the best divar torah, to the middle-aged randos who creep out of the woodwork trying to make some quick money. All of you - get the hell out of my house. You have literally ruined the experience of answering the door. No, do not come inside and start dancing around my damn living room with your alcohol breath and dirty shoes. Do not immediately open the check after I fold it and give it to you. Do not try to weasel me to give more after I graciously gave you a few dollars. Just grow up and act like normal people. Is that too crazy of an idea?
That Guy - Is it just me, or is there a correlation between how screwed up a person is and how super "into" Purim they are? Just know that the more into Purim you are, the more I assume that your wife is having an affair, your kids hate you, and you have a borderline personality disorder. Just know that. Oh, and by the way - to the moron who decides it is funny to go extra long with his horn after each Haman - SHUT THE SCHNITZEL UP. IT IS NOT FUNNY. WE ALL HATE YOU. WE ALWAYS HATED YOU.
The Mishalch Manos - The amount of money we spend on candy that no one is interested in is mind-boggling. $12.99 for a box of four stale chocolate pretzels. But it makes sense because the pretzels have a fancy ribbon around it. Expired grape juice bottles. The mini vodka bottles. Sad crunched up potato chip bags. Crusty pareve chocolate. Themes that match your costume. I hate you all.
And Chana, listen to me very closely - NO ONE WILL EAT YOUR HOMEMADE MISHALACH MANOS. NO ONE. WE WILL THROW IT AWAY. WE WILL ALSO LIKE YOU LESS.
The Traffic - Nothing generates pure rage inside me like sitting in traffic on Purim day trying to drop off mishaloch manos at an endless list of morahs and teachers. Each of them sends out a paper listing the arcane times when they are available (we will be out between 11 and plag hamicha, but we will come back for a short time between 11:41 and 11:43. See you then!). As we, the desperate parents of the world, try to navigate the labyrinth of time and traffic, some idiot inevitably decides that she can triple park and block the whole street because she will "just be a second." What - in all that is good in this world - is wrong with you! were you raised by wolves?! Move your overused leased van before I go Fast and Furious on your fat Tanya dieting tuches.
The Concerned Parent's Announcements - Yeah. We get it. You think it is wrong for an entire population to endlessly ply their underage children with alcohol. I have news for you: Nobody cares. Nobody wants your PSA to tell them that you can fulfill the mitzvah by going to sleep. You think your strongly worded announcement in the Hamodia is going to do anything. It won't. If you don't want a bunch of slimy 16-year-olds getting drunk every year - pick up your republican-older-white-male-Artscroll-reading self and go find another religion to annoy.