Few topics animate frum people as much as describing how special the frum community is compared to 'the outside world.' The essential talking points are as follows: “Mi Kiamacha Yisroel! We have Hatzlah, Chaverim, Tomchi Shabbos, Boni Olam, and hundreds of gemachim. How many homeless frum Jews do you know? It is because we take care of our people. The Torah has created a nation of Rachmanim and Gomli Chassadim, and the chessed in our community is without parallel.”
Ok. I am not here to take that away from the frum community. Indeed, there are thousands of frum Jews who spend vast amounts of time and money helping their fellow Jews. But frum culture has a dark side, and there are thousands of people who experience Yiddishkeit as an engine of pain and misery.
I served as a dorm counselor for two well-known yeshivas. One bochur, Yehuda, [name changed] confided that he had spent four years in a sexual relationship with another bochur in his shiur. Yehuda claimed that they were in love, and he was heartbroken when their parents sent them to different yeshivos for bais midrash. Yehuda was adamant that he was not attracted to women at all, and, as a skilled artist, he spent much of his free time drawing provocative anime pictures of men. Yehuda was a timid and sensitive soul and desperately needed an adult male figure to validate his feeling. Unfortunately, Yehuda’s father and grandfather were both world-famous Roshi Yeshiva, and the concept of ‘coming out’ to his parents was inconceivable. At the end of the year, Yehuda left went to Eretz Yisroel and I lost contact with him. Three years later, I found out that he was learning in BMG and was engaged to a girl from a respectable family. As a frum Ben Torah, I panicked. I knew that Yehuda likely kept his sexual orientation a secret from his parents and future wife. Did I have an obligation to tell his poor kallah that her chosson had a boyfriend for four years?
I called a Rosh Yeshiva that I trusted, who in turn consulted Rav Shmuel Kamenetzky on my behalf. They both agreed that my obligation was to do nothing. “Some bochurim have a hard time controlling their yetzer harah. Yehuda needs to get married, and everything will work out. Say nothing.”
Now, several years later, Yehuda is still married with several children. I do not know if Yehuda is happy in the life that he was forced to adopt by his parents and community. What I do know is that Yehuda was a victim of a system that has no tolerance for any sexual expression other than monogamous heterosexuality. Yehuda had no choice.
Zooming out for a moment: Every day, hundreds of yeshiva bochurim and Bais Yaakov girls wake up and realize that something is very wrong with their sexuality. A bais midrash or dorm is an incredibly homophobic place. 'Faglaeh' jokes abound, and publicly admitting to being gay or lesbian is an instant social death sentence. My roommate and best friend in yeshiva told me that he was gay, and I will never forget the trembling in his voice and the sheer terror on his face as he mustered the courage to tell him his darkest secret. (He is now married with three children).
A frum Ultra-Orthodox adolescent Ben Torah or Bis Yaakov girl who realizes that they are not attracted to the opposite gender is faced with a terrible reality. Everyone around them denounces and despises the LGBT community. The Mashgichim scream from the podium about the evil “toavah parades” that will cause Yerushalayim to “spit out its inhabitants.” Every yeshiva guy has heard the infamous tape of Rav Gifter thundering against “Nooorman Laaammm” and YU for accepting LGBT students. In yeshiva there is no safe space to admit your sexuality; much less allow it to develop in any healthy fashion. God forbid, should a teenager finds a willing partner to explore his emergent sexuality; all that he will reap is more confusion, endless guilt, and the terrifying reality that, from the Torah's perspective, he deserves to be stoned to death.
There is no shteeble or yeshiva that embraces overtly gay members. There is only one path for young men and women: heterosexual marriage and raising a bayis neeman bi’ysiroel. Teenagers who realize that they are attracted to members of the same sex are forced to bury their feelings. Eventually, they must face the specter of shidduchim. At that point, they are faced with a few choices:
(1) They can ‘come out’ to their parents and teachers. In the frum community, most rebbeim, mashgichim, and teachers are taught to blame divergent sexual impulses to confusion stemming from bachelorhood. As such, they push almost everyone to get married, hoping marriage will fix the “problem.” If the boy or girl stands firm, insisting that they will not marry—they are told that they will be condemned to a life of loneliness, pity, and secrecy. “Many people in your position have gotten married and are very happy,” they are told. “If you refuse, then your only option is to “marry Klal Yisroel”—namely, remain celibate and become a shul Gabbi or a community activist.” This is the advice that Rav Aharon Feldman. (https://guardyoureyes.com/ssa-hidden/item/a-letter-by-reb-ahron-feldman-to-a-gay-baal-teshuva). Others, like Rav Shmuel Kaminesky, believe that if a gay person is strong enough, they can change their orientation. (http://www.hakirah.org/Vol%2012%20Goldberg.pdf).
(2) The other, far more manageable, option for someone who is not heterosexual, is to desperately convince themselves that there is no problem. These people do not want to lose all their friends and family and they desperately want to be normal and happy. So they bury their feelings and convince themselves that they are just confused, and that marriage will fix their problems. They get married and spend the rest of their life living with someone they wish was someone else.
(3) For some, both choices are too terrible to bear, and they pick the only option that seems viable, suicide. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4985071/)
The Historical Frum Perspective:
Historically, in America, the frum Ultra-Orthodox perspective on same-sex attraction has been blindly simple – it is a toavah, a vile abomination. The one time in human history when God got angry enough to destroy the entire world, it was because men openly expressed their love for each other. If a person holds a gun to your head and tells you to have sex with another man, you are obligated to die. It is yeherag vial yavor.
This ethos is perfectly encapsulated in a teshuvah of Rav Moshe Feinstein to a young man who was struggling with his sexuality:
Rav Moshe Feinstein:
First, Rav Moshe Discusses the halachic severity of LGBT expression:
I do not see a halakhic question in his letter . . . instead you want encouragement and advice to save you from the evil inclination. First, the knowledge of the severity of the issur, [that is punishable] with stoning and karet; it is regarded as an abomination before Hashem; that it is one of the most disgusting of sins; and that even non-Jews are commanded regarding it; should serve as very powerful force to stand up to the evil inclination.
Next, Rav Moshe explains that no one truly wants to have sex with a member of the same gender, and as such, homosexual cravings automatically have the status of an avarah li’hachis (a sin performed to anger god) and not an avarah li’tayavon (a sin committed out of lust).
Second . . . the desire for male sex is against the human (natural) desire itself and even the wicked do not actually desire male sex. Instead, a person has such a craving simply because it is prohibited, and the evil inclination therefore seduces him to rebel against the will of the Holy One, blessed be He. This knowledge is a great strength against the evil inclination that has already overcome him. Because you believe in the Holy One, blessed be he, and in all of the Thirteen Principles [of faith], and in the Torah, with this you can defeat him (the evil inclination) when he entices you to betray and anger him (God) . . .
Finally, Rav Moshe discusses how abnormal and reviled such an act is and suggests how a man struggling with homosexual feelings can overcome his inclination (Hint: Torah study).
Third, [remember] the disgust of the people towards homosexuals, since all over the world, even the wicked scorn those who sin by lying with men, and even in the eyes of the other wicked partner with whom he performs the sin he is disgraced and shamed. This realization should serve as a strength against the evil inclination . . . It is good advice against the desire for this disgusting and shameful transgression, that is not only against the Torah, in the most severe fashion, but is also against the essence of humanity, as he is made lowly and disgraced in the greatest possible humiliation. Not only is it shameful for him, but it is the greatest shame for his entire family. The greatest piece of advice is to study Torah in depth, since it is saves and protects from all illicit relationships, and even from [lustful] thoughts
(Lest you attempt to excuse Rav Moshe under the claim that he was a product of a less enlightened time, note that while Rav Moshe was penning his teshuva, the Union for Reform Judaism had already promulgated a number of resolutions calling their congregants to display tolerance and humanity towards the LGBT community.)
The Lubavitcher Rebbe:
Rav Moshe’s approach is mirrored in a slightly softer tone by the Lubavitcher Rebbe
Homosexual relationships are abnormal and a sickness. "An important point to stress is that there is no insult intended and no derogatory attitude is suggested; it is a case of healing a malady. When a person is ill and someone volunteers to help him get well, there is no disrespect involved, not at all!... If he claims that he was born with this nature, this is indeed all the more reason to reassure him that no disparagement was meant, for it is no different from the case of one who was born with the tendency to bang his head against the wall. Do we shame that unfortunate one?! Nevertheless, everything must be done to remedy the situation." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru5LUp4BjPU, https://asknoah.org/wp-content/uploads/rebbe-letter-to-man-struggling-with-homosexuality.pdf,
http://www.billgladstone.ca/schneerson-sneered-at-the-strange-and-queer-1987/)
Rav Soloveitchik:
Even Rav Soloveitchik, often perceived as being a voice of moderation and sanity, took a hardline and extreme approach towards acceptance of the LGBT community. This is a quote from a Jewish Press article on his views:
“Speaking in 1974 about how “it’s quite in vogue to be heretical,” Rav Soloveitchik related the following:
“A philosophy of [homo]sexualism is being preached throughout the Western world, to such an extent that a certain rabbi came to me and said, “How can we defend ourselves against it?” I told him, take out a Chumash and read a pasuk. V’es zachar lo sishkav mishk’vei ishah. [Vayikra 18:22] We are on the defensive, you understand. Why? And the same is true of abortion and so forth.
“Rav Soloveitchik likewise observed in Man of Faith in the Modern World:
We think we know the motivations for the prohibitions against stealing, murder, adultery, and false testimony and for the positive commandments which reflect a sensitivity to the rights and welfare of others. They seem to be morally uplifting and socially stabilizing. In fact, however, their moral reasonableness is often in question in our modern world. The campaigns to legitimize abortion, euthanasia, adultery, and homosexuality are examples of the unreliability of the social conscience…”(https://www.jewishpress.com/blogs/guest-blog/rav-soloveitchiks-clear-stand-on-homosexuality/2013/05/19/)
The modern approach in the frum community:
As society began gaining a greater understanding of the prevalence and typicality of LGBTQ orientations, the frum Ultra-Orthodox community slowly and tortuously began shifting towards a more tolerant position. Imagine a line, at one end of the spectrum is the extreme intolerant position of Rav Feinstein—gay people are disgusting sinners and only engage in lustful acts because they want to anger Hashem. At the other end of the spectrum is Reform Judaism, which has been passing resolutions and pushing for full acceptance of LGBTQ people since 1965.
Since Rav Feinstein, the needle has slowly moved, but not by much. Frum Ultra-Orthodox Yidden are slowly entering the “hate the sin, not the sinner” phase of tolerance. A person who professes to his rabbi that he is gay will not be greeted with judgment and anger; rather, as long as they keep their orientation private and do not publicly expect acceptance or recognition, they will face sympathy and kindness. In 2011, Rav Shmuel Kaminetzky and 223 (!!) Ultra-Orthodox rabbonim, educators, and mental health professionals signed a “Declaration On The Torah Approach To Homosexuality.” In this declaration, the rabbis adopted three main talking points:
Homosexuality is not an acceptable lifestyle or genuine identity and the Torah is vehemently opposed to any recognition or acceptance of the LGBT community.
Gay people must work to do teshuva and un-gay themselves.
We should have compassion for members of our community who are struggling with this issue. “[T]hese individuals are primarily innocent victims of childhood emotional wounds…[and] should not be confused with the homosexual movement and their agenda” (https://mundabor.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-torah-declaration-on-homosexuality/)
Rav Ahron Feldman, the current Rosh Yeshiva of Ner Yisroel and one of the more moderate voices within the yeshivish community, speaks at length about why the Torah is repulsed by homosexuality. His solution to people who are struggling with their sexuality: Conversion therapy or celibacy. In his screed, he fights back against those who try to undermine conversion therapy's efficacy and safety.
He concludes:
“But assuming, arguendo, that “gay” advocates are correct and that there exists a possibility of harm resulting from the attempt to change one’s sexual orientation, a homosexual faithful to Halacha must still seek such a therapy. If a Jew is obligated to even give up his life rather than commit a homosexual act, doesn’t it stand to reason that she should be willing to undergo the risk of harm to avoid it?”
If conversion therapy does not work, Rav Feldman says that such a homosexual has the same status as a pedophile (!!), and he must remain celibate. Forestalling the obvious distinction between (his odious comparison) of a pedophile and a member of the LGBT community, Rav Feldman quickly counters:
“The most likely answer to this is a vehement protest: “The two are not the same! The active homosexual is not harming anyone, while the child molester is!” However, from the perspective of the Torah, this distinction, while appreciating facially valid, is erroneous.
The active homosexual may not be harming another on an emotional level, but he is harming himself, even more seriously, on a spiritual level. If the Torah orders him to give up his life rather than engage in such ants, then indulging in homosexuality is worse then losing his life. Thus, there is indeed no difference between the active homosexual and the child molester. Both may not indulge their appetites, and both have no alternative than either seeking therapy or exercising self-control.” (https://haravaharonfeldmanarticle.weebly.com/)
My message to the frum community:
If you are a frum Ultra-Orthodox person and reading this, I hope you can sense my rage and frustration. How can you justify hurting people simply because their conception of happiness is different than yours? LGBT+ people are hurting nobody, yet you feel the right to deprive them of one of the most profound feelings our species can experience: love and companionship. There are few joys quite as indescribable as having someone to join you on life’s journey. We universally treasure having someone who instantly gets your jokes, someone to love even on their worst days, someone who every time you look at them, you want to kiss them until your lips are chapped, someone who smiles at you just the right way, someone who stands by your side even when you feel like a failure—yet frum people self-righteously deny that experience to anyone who is not rigidly heterosexual.
You may think this is not your fault, but the Ultra-Orthodox community has blood on their hands. Your belief system is hurting people, and you are complicit in their misery. The next time someone mentions how beautiful the frum Ultra-Orthodox community is, remember all the thousands of hidden LGBT frum teenagers and adults who live in suffering and loneliness because of the intolerance of your beliefs. All it takes is a few people who are sick and tired of the status quo to change the system; what gives you the right to spread the blame thin enough to exonerate yourself?
You, frum Ultra-Orthodox person, I ask you further, how do you know your approach is correct—that the Creator of the universe actually wrote a book raging against LGBT people? Have you ever second-guessed your beliefs? You cannot hide behind Emunah Peshutah. How can you have innocent and straightforward faith when your belief system is the cause of so much agony and suffering? To illustrate your complicity, would you absolve the guilt from a German citizen who professed simple and unexamined faith in the Nazi party, or a Russian citizen who never felt the need to question the doctrines of the Soviet Union? If your faith hurts people, you have a moral obligation to triple-check that you are on the right path. Maybe, just maybe, you are the bad guys in this story. How confident are you that your revulsion and negativity towards the LGBT community stems from a righteous and holy source and not from a primitive animal disgust towards anything different? It is all too easy to hate people who are different from you, but if you consider yourself a nation of kind and just people, it behooves you to overcome the instinct to revile that which you do not understand.
Even if you are unflinchingly convinced that Hashem gave the Torah, how sure are you that your Gedolim are handling the situation correctly? There is nothing broken about LGBTQ people; if Ultra-Orthodox people did not stand in their way, they can be completely fulfilled, they can have profound and amazing relationships – find life partners – enjoy the touch of someone to cuddle with them in bed, to nurse them to health, to laugh and to cry together with them; to feel love and intimacy and happiness that are simply not available in other avenues – but no, your Gedolim have condemned them to celibacy and loneliness. Is this the only way?
The Modern-Orthodox community, for all its road bumps, is far more tolerant of their LGBT members than the Ultra-Orthodox community. They are also loyal to the Torah, but their empathy and compassion triumphed and allowed them to take a more nuanced view of the Torah's perspective. They will not ordain gay rabbis, nor will they officiate at a same-sex wedding, nor will they allow LGBT clubs at their institutions, but they do not ostracize LGBT people with anything approaching the vim and vigor of the Ultra-Orthodox community. They deploy the concepts of ones, tinok shenishbah, chazkas kashrus, and any other factor they can conceive to limit the scope of the biblical verses that the frum community embraces as a Divine imprimatur to vilify the LGBT community. In short, although the Modern Orthodox leadership is far from perfect and they have a long way to go before treating LGBT people for what they are: people, like everyone else—nevertheless, they are at least trying. How can you justify being part of a community and training your children to perpetuate a system that callously hurts such a large group of people?